My last post was discussing relapse. Little did I know that it was a precursor to an illness. Mononucleosis. I have never felt as much physical pain in my life that equaled my two suicide attempts or the anal rectal surgery. I am still recovering from this. This has shook me to realize that I have a big problem mentally that I have been ignoring. A problem that can ruin me or even kill me if it continues to go unaddressed. The therapist and I will a lot of work to do. I have also been thinking so much of my father during this time due to all the suffering he went through because, like he, I was so bent over in pain I could hardly walk. I started thinking again if he has truly stopped suffering. Perhaps this is something I need to speak to the minister about. As painful as all this has been I am grateful that this has happened. Now I know what I need to work on to get to a better place.